Its 9 years this week since my twin girls were born, and became angels.
Its been 9 LONG years in so many ways and yet, only seems like this morning that “it” all happened!
For those who may not know…. it was 9 years ago this week that my whole world fell apart. Where for a moment, I didn’t feel like I wanted to go on… The week my whole world shattered, my babies became angels and I too almost didnt make it. ( Years on, I want to help others who understand, who know someone, or who may have felt so isolated like I did for so long.
After years of trying IVF, to be told by the pioneer himself that I would never conceive, and he would no longer treat me, I was initially defeated! I had so desperately wanted a child, and I would have tried 1000 cycles if I could, but was refused by the professor as it was “fruitless”. Get counselling as you would never have a child he told me.
Stubborn as I am, and knowing I would not be settled til I had unturned every stone I could… I set on a quest. I researched my condition, my IVF cycles and their findings and started seeing countless drs. They all turned me away saying “If the professor cant help, then we cant” no one would help me.
I continued, I went to immunologists, embyologists, iridologists, psychologists, natropaths, homeopaths and anything I could!
I would bring all my recent research online and from my tests with me to specialists and drs appt. I am sure they al thought I was a bit crazed, and just turned me away . I wasn’t deterred, and despite being so down… maybe depressed, I continued on.
I finally saw another dr and he sat back in his drs chair and allowed me to ramble on. He chuckled, and looked at my husband and said “wow… what dynamite you have here”
HE was going to help me. He had never known someone to be so intricate in their findings. He had recently come back from USA and was starting a trial, he called it the “Colorado”
I followed that protocol to every inch of the law. I kept healthy, tried all the “tricks” and suggestions, I even tried a spell from one of those womens magazines that have “psychics” telling you how to get pregnant… lol I would have tried ANYTHING, that I saw, read or recommended from a IVF support group online and OMG… yes this time we were pregnant!
Unfortunately, all went pear shaped at 20 weeks and at 23w 4 d I ended up being rushed to Melbourne via ambulance. I was virtually unconscious at that stage and from there everything went down hill. Wont go into all the details…. but will never understand why/what … and the management in my local country hospital.
An emergecy classical ceaser was performed and despite many, many long hrs, the girls fought hard to stay with us. They became angels. They not only had issues of prematurity, they also had severe septicaemia.
I wasn’t expected to survive, the dr told my husband days later he had never seen a person with such high levels of CRP and live. My girls were fighters, though sadly became angels when called. I never saw them alive, I started to recover after they had gained their wings.
Tiana came a 13 months later after the most torrid year to say the least. Thats a whole new story in itself.
I had to spend 5 months in hospital all the way in Melb to have Tiana as I was sick, she was determined to come early, and she did at just over 32 weeks.
I penned the name La Toriana the week before she was born. I knew I wanted to keep the twins memory alive. It was a name I was going to have “for me” as a way to keep all 3 girls together. I didn’t know how, where or when I would use it.
That time was a devastating time for us …. and one that will ever be forgotten. I still feel like it was only this morning… 9 years later… my word, still so surreal.
I don’t expect people after this time to remember the date of “that day” or expect them to even say anything to me, but I tell you it makes me feel so loved and to know they include our girls in Christmas cards, their birthdays and other times is so special to me. Thank you…. my special friends who do!
The last few days I have received cards, flowers and a cd of gorgeous songs… including my favourite, that always has me in tears, though makes me feel so close to Lara and Victoria. Its Fly… from Celine Dion.
Read more about how I feel HERE .
And to my gorgeous friend who developed a premmie range as she knew what it was like for me at the time of my 3 premmies. She watched helplessly as I searched, and couldn’t find, anything to fit my girls. What a beautiful friend.
Tiana, our 3rd daughter was born premmie too and has always known about her sisters. She has been bought up coming to the cemetery, taking flowers, and keeping the plaque clean. It was always her angel sisters that would help chase away the “monsters” that she could “pretend play” with when she felt lonely, would allow her to feel comforted with the knowledge they were always watching over her, and was never alone.
She often asks questions, and now she is about to turn 8 years old, has more in depth questions. I always tell her the truth, though to a point she would understand. So far its been enough, though I know, more and more questions will follow. I am ready. Lara and Victoria ARE part of our family. We have their photo up in our photo gallery, we always light candles on special days for them, and La Toriana is always a way to pay homage.
we love all our children.
And, with July being a time of so much memories, I remember the weeks in July that had my heart in my boots, shed so many tears, and a month that will always be a “hard” month. So please… if you think I, or La Toriana are a little quiet in July each year….. this is the reason.
Its a beautiful… bittersweet month, full of so many, many memories.
I often look out in our back yard (above) and on some morings like this one a few weeks ago, I instantly think of the girls. Its like being above the world, and I wonder… really wonder
There wasnt a lot of support when the twins passed away, and same when Tiana was born. All the months we spent in special care baby unit, I was a wreck… Tiana was sick, and had issues of prematurity.
I was so scared, and the staff were worried about my mental status “post natal drepression’ was often discussed with me. Even a couple mums who were int here with me at the time, who I recently caught up with remember me being in tears and wouldn’t leave Tiana’s side.
I know I was a wreck. But yes, I can imagine people looking in could see me as being very intense. Tiana was very sick one day in particular, we rushed back in after being home a week. Tiana had apnoea and kept forgetting to breathe. In SCBU… I did lose it a bit… and a friend who I met at that time, remembers that time well. I just didnt want to have another baby in the cemetery. It was the scariest time in my whole life, I felt so very isolated.
So… now… I like to support premmie babies , support groups and provide a range of premmie baby clothes and products online so mums, friends and families know where they can get them… from all over Australia.
Winners announced in Brisbane Sat 31st july. I will be attnding and sure to blog about it all when i am back. there are some amazing businesses, mums and inspiring women attending!
We are also a finalist in the KFR awards…
Thank you to all those who have so far voted la Toriana in these awards. You can continue to ote til the start of August!
So please…. its a very special month July…. and 9 years later…. still so surreal.